What To Do When You Feel Discouraged Or Personally Attacked

Last weekend, I saw that my very first book had a negative, 1 star review. The worst part is that it isn't about the book itself, but a tech/formatting problem with the kindle version. It really hurt my feelings and confidence because even though the person said the book is beautiful, sadly they chose to focus on the format issue rather than the book itself. Amazon's algorithm only see's the 1 star which means, it assumes the book is bad and they'll stop pushing the book. 

It left me feeling so discouraged knowing that months of work, putting my personal heart and soul into something, could be undone in a matter of keystrokes. I really wanted to feel sorry for myself and I did for a while, TBH. But then I said enough is enough and it got me thinking about how I could rebound from feeling so low and I thought I'd share how I was able to shift my energy. 

So here are my tips when you're feeling discouraged or personally attacked. P.S. My publisher fixed the issue with the kindle edition for anyone who experienced the same problem. 

And if you're the one who wrote the review by any chance, I actually want to say thank you. It's helped me to find deeper awareness & to identify ways to help myself in similar situations going forward.

Take a Deep Breath

The first and most important thing to do is to cut off the downward spiral. Giving more bad energy to a situation is only going to make you feel worse. Take a deep breath, and allow yourself to detach from the emotions that have been triggered. Giving yourself some space allows you to view your situation from a calm place rather than an angry, frustrated, or irritated place. 

Responding out of anger is never a good idea, especially if it means you’re lashing out at loved ones around you. I did that the day I read the review and that wasn’t fair to my family but I hadn’t allowed myself to calm down and well, hurt people hurt people. 

Re-evaluate the situation

In my case, I needed to acknowledge that the review wasn't about me or my book, but about a technical error. By looking at the situation from an unbiased perspective, you may find that you aren't being attacked at all, you’re actually triggered. It may not prevent you from experiencing the consequences but at least you can see that it isn't indicative of your work or character.

It’s still annoying to have the review there but now, I am able to remind myself that this is a reflection of me and tech errors happen. There is nothing me or the reviewer, Amazon or anyone else can do to prevent 100% of tech errors. Knowing these allowed me to stop taking it personally and move on. 

Journal about your feelings

Ultimately, your feelings are trying to tell you something. By writing them down, you give yourself space to process what you're feeling and also to try to understand the learning lesson behind your trigger. And if nothing else, journaling gets it out of your head and onto a page. Sometimes all you need to move on is to simply acknowledge the feelings by leaving the negative thoughts on the page.

Say something positive

You're going to get triggered again. That's not an if but a when. Create an affirmation you can say when you notice the feelings coming up again. I have been saying "my worth is not determined by a review". You may not believe the phrase but the point is to remind you that you have control over whether or not you give into self-pity or choose to focus on something else. 

I still find a lot of value in affirmations even though I know a lot of people say they don’t work. I don’t believe that. They may take time to work but you can’t expect years of hurt and baggage to come undone in one day of repeating a phrase. 

Healing isn’t instantaneous. You are healing as long as you're triggered one less time, are becoming aware of the behavior, or are actively trying to choose a different way. 

Practice the Healing

Again, I can't say this enough, you're going to get triggered again. What you're experiencing may seem like something small but it's really the manifestation of a wound you've carried around for years and it's going to take time to heal. Don't expect to have an ah-ha moment and then just move on. But each time the trigger comes to your awareness is an opportunity for you to confront it,  diffuse it, and heal just a little bit more.

Show your gratitude

Remember how I said thank you in the story? That's super important. These situations are happening so that you can face the root cause. Yes it's unpleasant, but this experience is the universe's way of helping you to evolve. You will have more freedom, wisdom, and success if you're willing to do the work and part of that work is finding gratitude in the situation and understanding there is a silver lining if you’re willing to stay open to it. 

Check out Everything is Here to Help You by Matt Kahn if you need help understanding how challenges are helping you to evolve. 

Have Compassion

Finally, remember that the person who triggered you is also on a spiritual journey and most people are not trying to hurt you intentionally. In my case, I’m considering whether or not that person was triggered by the tech issue. Perhaps they were having a bad day or perhaps they were feeling like there’s always something that doesn’t work for me. Considering how someone else might be triggered, helps you to have compassion for them, even if the situation feels hostile to you. 

Just remember, we are all doing the best we can to get through life! And if you want or need to talk about ways you’ve been triggered or felt attacked, or just want to talk in general, comment below and let’s chat about it.